i-m-hu-i-m

Meeting my old flame...

2011-06-12T14:37:00.000-07:00

Travelling that is...been about three years but it feels like a decade. Sure, local trips were here and there but the sojourning-alone, in the world's metropolitans, ala-J.R (Jose Rizal...happy independence by the way, June 12, 2011, and we still continue believing we're free!), brazing the new world to see things differently, appreciating your own but dying with envy because you realize what should've been but could not--- was sorely missed. It was a rekindling of an old flame, it was remembering and then enjoying the unexpected, the personal discoveries, hearing yourself more, doing without thinking and holding only yourself responsible.

Because I want to remember everything, here goes:

- At NAIA 1, leaving for Singapore, as almost all feel just a little, I once more was faced with how oppressive the system is to our so-called "modern day heroes". They leave the country with hopes and dreams of a better life, to send money to their motherland, to sustain it, nourish it, keep it at par with its mahjong mates...but how does the beloved parent bid them farewell...without even a wave of a hand or a flying kiss!

- That white immigration card, smaller than the one-fourth sheets of paper you would have quizzes in college and high school in, might as well be an application form in heaven...an obituary for some.

- I kept overhearing from some, should they put "leisure", should they write their Tita's address, who they'll sleep with but doesn't have a "full-contract", what if immigration finds out? What if more papers are asked?

- Whether they travel for leisure or work, the system has created a mentality where those "officers" who stamp and stomp your passport (which you also had to go through the fifth circle of hell for, thank God for that magic wand!) believe they are the chosen ones and that their stinky feet need to be cleaned and kissed before entering the forbidden gates of immigration. They feed on this mentality by acting like they never beat a red light or jaywalked!

- A rebel without a cause, I used a purple pen. Actually I gave my passport first and told them that I was just starting the form when I presented my honorable self. I lavished at their surprise and allowed them to lightly reprimand me.

- After writing what they felt they needed to know, I made sure I put UNIVERSITY LECTURER and proudly said I was from a school most of them cannot even send their kids to! Suddenly they were being friendly and patronizing, if only I could tell all those filing that white card to write UNIVERSITY PROFESSOR WITH TENURE!

- While Filipinos are citizens of the globe and the world is their home, some just continue being unfriendly travel mates. They don't smile, they push their way in embarkation lines, if only they could dive to the door upon touch down, they will.

- Yes, Singapore definitely continues to struggle with its lack of indigenous heritage. But Southeast Asians could only thank this "fine" city for divorcing Malaysia to build an empire of its own because its the only place in the region trusted by Vincent Van Gogh and Salvador Dali to live in. It makes up for its "humble origins" by proudly securing its place in the future...the first place trophy for "future culture" is practically theirs, they even beat the aliens to it, they know it will be theirs in time.

- Singaporean culture and society is a maze of pre-war modernity and 21st century sophisticated sculptures. Its pride and joy is the sincere harmony of various aliens, thanks to its government's mandate of order and the people's unending needs. Much has been written about its attempt to showcase art for the soul while leaving much for the soul to long for.

- On the Dali Exhibition in the ArtScience museum: How I envy its project manager! With Dali, you don't need to put too much thought on the science of curatorship. Dali spaced his life and works knowing it will make people's jobs easier in the future. You simply need to make a space as empty as possible to throw in his creations, nothing much to it. Who can make Dali more interesting than he already is, or who would even attempt to?

- So the elevated hyper-staged ordinary white furnite a top Dali's material culture elements is worth a standing ovation. To the project manager: You spoke to Dali, he replied and you were enlightened!

-Thank you Dali for not leaving the world guessing what your religion is. If there is anything I have which I know you would have given all your talent for, its my child.

- So here is my message to you, sorry Mr. Salvador for not using twitter: I felt your pain instantly with the "manananggal and her unhatched egg" sculpture! In your honor, I made my child a pendant with her birthday in the clock. I will put it in her scrap book and name it, "Dali-dalian mong tumino". You continue to live you and you live through us, thanks for not giving up on lunacy unlike your friend downstairs.

- On the Van Gogh display: I wouldn't want to be the project manager of this. Van Gogh is the most bastardized artist on earth. From do it yourself Van Goghs for all ages, to planners, calendars, coasters, blankets, place mats etc. with those famous sunflowers, how else can Van Gogh be seen beyond that? Thanks to light art, we see Van Gogh stretched beyond our imagination, literally.

- The title should've been "In your Face Van Gogh". It was a judicious use of space and time. From the all too familiar miniature and unjustly cropped familiar images, the hall transformed us into a mere smear in his landscape, we felt his strokes at arm's length and became part of them. Kudos for not only saving an awful lot for installation materials, manpower in the ground, maintenance fee, but for making everybody feel how little they are in Van Gogh's world rather than the other way around. Double kudos for making people realize that Van Gogh is more than just sunflowers, a starry starry night and a mutilated ear.

Vapor-like

2008-09-03T06:12:00.000-07:00

Went to a vacation house in the mountains with friends
Had plane tickets to go some where from there
As I was getting comfortable on the couch
I noticed a floating island outside
The island was made of plastic floaters with colors only toddlers can love
I wonder whether it was this floating island
that I was supposed to fly to

Suddenly a tsunami
Water outside was seeping in the house
It could possibly sink us
The island of plastic was floating toward us
I opened the door and desperately pushed those floaters away
Thank God it sailed out

Then I called the airline to tell them that I couldn't leave the house
I was concerned that I would miss my flight
I ask those around me if they knew of other ways for me to get out

We realized that nobody was going anywhere
There was an aroma of an impending doom
As men in military camouflage circled in
They raised their artillery and fired in unison

All fell dead
I was a quarter alive
It was important to hang on
But I needed to act dead

I had to try to live while looking dead

But I failed
Some woman noticed the life in me
She wasn't happy with it
She dragged my body across the room
As I felt the weight of my body scratching the floor
I fainted

ix-03-08

Can it never end please...

2008-07-13T06:36:00.001-07:00

I feel like a bee that has sucked a newly sprouted flower.

The U.P. Vargas Museum's interesting Ptyk by Nonoy Marcelo...political comics, satire and visions...

Curry for lunch, served efficiently on time for Mama Mia...

July 12, a day before Tito Vic's birthday anniversary...God Bless His Soul...

Weather wasn't too bad...

Everybody was in kind and patient spirits...the night had a special twinkle...our organs were cooperative...

The next day, on time for Sunday Mass...

Bordertown was on when we woke up after the afternoon nap...

Then vip tickets for Dark Knight tomorrow...

I feel there's more openness now, more acceptance and more accommodation toward each other...I hope it would never end...

Pamamanhikan

2008-07-12T07:26:00.000-07:00

Two weeks before this day, there was a bit of a ruckus because of some tradition mama mentioned about the bride to be. "Sa iba nga may pamahiin na bawal magbuhat ang babae kahit kutsara." Because I felt bitchy that time, I just had to tell it to Nico. Somehow I think now is not the right time to conceal all the nasty things that may happen in the future so while it's still early, better to torture him in the flames. That was bad...but Nico is just the most understanding and mature person on earth when it comes to things like this...I even think his maturity is gone unnoticed by many but anyways, we got through that.

Just yesterday, there was another episode of dramatics that went on about the budget for this day and some extra mouths to feed...the emotional argument and the McDonalds McChicken Nuggets Meal for two with extra large fries each soothed my aching anger but proved futile as the people concerned didn't even manage to make it.

Anyway...I thought I was the one most excited, anxious, nervous and just plain panic-stricken about this day. Frankly, I think pamamanhikans are the most underrated events in the world!!! Imagine two families who've never met before, who have no obligation to be nice to each other...meet for the first time and see, judge and feel each others company...then, for the sake of their family members, they are forced to like just a little bit each and every family member as it will spell the start of their bond forever in time...through hardships and celebrations...

Thank God though I was wrong about being the only one bothered about the whole thing. Nico was apparently too nervous as well which was why he asked that we go out for breakfast, visit a gallery, have lunch and watch a movie (Mama Mia...how perfect and effective it was!) before the BIG DINNER BASH.

Before Nico fetched me, my parents were up at around 4:00 in the morning already. When I got up, I saw embroidered table cloths, our fancy plates and cups, paired spoons and forks and our Teflon dish trays all out to dry. The chairs were lined up around the prolific wooden dinner table...the floor spic and span...the rugs and sofas vacuumed...looks like they wanted to make a good impression as well...it was flattering but at the same time, still nerve-wracking!

I got a call from Ate Byang that she can't make it. I have a feeling Conrad has something to do with it. But I just pushed it off at the back of my mind lest I ruin my day!

And then 6:00 a.m. started...now...I am still contemplating how it went and if it was really successful. When I see Nico for breakfast tomorrow, I'll know...

Qualifying Exams April 15 to 16 2008

2008-04-17T17:09:00.000-07:00

Here are some notes of experience kept for posterity to be referred in the future:

1) It really helps if the books that need to be assessed are read, re-read, outlined, reviewed, tabulated (for the salient points) then listed (specific examples). This is a must because once the main points are memorized, much should still be said beyond the mere words that have to be associated with the book/work.

2) Constant reading of different materials is a full-time job, there should be no compromises!!! I must always have a book a week at least and must take note of the important points, parts or ideas of the book. If I cannot write on the book, I should diligently look for a post-it to write on at the front part of the book so I can collate all my ideas in the end.

3) I started my memorization and mastery of works one week before I took my qualifying exams, but this is just for a one-day test. The test that I took for the second day would be 30% of lesser caliber only because I was too exhausted and fed up with the whole thing already. One month of memorization would give me more peace of mind.

4) I shouldn't let sloth get the better of me! No matter how stupid it feels answering questions given in previous examinations...I should still do it, even if it means lesser hours of sleep. I did this exercise for the first day exam but not for the second day. I will heavily pay the price for that one. Doing this will help me determine how much I can write given the time constraint. For the first day I realized that I had to forgo mentioning some things and that took me some minutes, which was such a waste. There's really so much that you can compose, type and edit in a day so I should be aware of my limitations on that.

5) Pray, pray, pray...for whatever it's worth this really kept my sanity.

Now, I'm clenching my bones for two agonizing weeks...Panginoon, tulungan po sana ninyo ako!!!

Examples of the questions:

1) There are various paradigms used in Philippine Studies. Explain these paradigms in the context of identity, class, state governance, national formation. Enumerate the books, articles or works that have contributed to these fields.

2) Explain an approach used in Philippine Studies and state why it is so.

3) In light of the ZTE-NBN deal, explain these statements in the context of your study in the Philippine Studies Program: "moderate your greed", "bubukol ito" (plus another metaphor that escapes me now). What is the position of the Philippines in terms of patrimony (and there's another term that they used, argh! I need to take those gingko bilboba pills soon) in the context of the current global order.

4) How multidisciplinary is your research proposal?

5) The more elementary questions are: What is the importance of a theoretical framework? What is the purpose of having a review of literature in the beginning of one's research? What are the ethical issues in research?

a love-hate relationship with theater

2008-03-02T07:46:00.000-08:00

I am tremendously enjoying my one minute appearance in Pygmalion. So far, I've done two shows and have one last on Tuesday. I adore the people, they're nothing but angels released from heaven. I'm learning abundantly from the students, more than what I've taught them. I'm getting to catch up with long-time friends I've had no contact with...it's addicting, it's electrifying and it's hard to let go...which is why I hate it just the same.

A theater production has a way of organically creating a force field around it, among its people, its set, when call time starts and when company call ends. There seems to be an awful amount of obsession that it gives to people. Sometimes, when people allow themselves to be drawn too much, it may work to their disadvantage in the end...

The last time I've been involved was three years ago, for Clytemnestra. I even have this blog to look back to. This time, some generous people have worked on a schedule and spoiled me to death just so I can jump on the boat...

Its effect has been enormous! My schedule's been messed up, I'm lagging behind more with my paper deadlines for UP, my reading has been slow and things seem to be getting complicated...but somehow, my involvement here gives me some sort of solace that I'm doing something I love...but reality is...even if I admit I can never get over how great it feels to be part of a team especially with this last production...I'm slowly accepting that I can't have it all.

Edzon and I just worked on a "project" in anticipation of a bigger "project"...that was my excuse for dilly-dallying last February, this March, this play seems to be my excuse...it has to stop...but I have no clue how to start stopping...

The two years that were...

2007-12-19T08:26:00.000-08:00

I am painfully and vaguely remembering what happened to me in the past two years...2006 marks my student ID number 2006-78173. By June I began immersing my senses to the very delectable books I was only then introduced to. Thank God for that year! No wonder I have very few pictures in my multiply site. Since then, I've realized how little I know and how much I've been left behind...especially after watching Proof thanks to Tricia's thumbs up recommendation. At this moment I feel like life has just passed me by and I'm only starting to live it now! Pathetic for a 26 turning 27 year old...if only the younger ones know how much they're missing...Before going to school, I learned to paint in May. Have been in a depressing hiatus in that aspect but I hope that gets awakened pretty soon.

During the semestral break, was blessed to travel to Siem Reap and Ho Chi Minh with friends...

Then November 4...V for Vendetta...V for Vieux Chalet...my life will be set for another chapter in 2009!

At the end of the year, went with family and friends to Sagada...

This school year was very challenging, mentally and emotionally. I guess if they say "6" is the number of the devil, I faced my demons this year...still keeps haunting me and I just pray that it leaves me in peace someday...

2007

Early this year, Tito Jun passed away...tragic day for the family but only in the most testing times can real bonds be cohesively fortified. If we didn't have each other, we wouldn't have been able to realize the thin thread that grips on life and the love that steadily gives it hope.

Over the summer, I visited Kibungan, did preliminary research and whetted my appetite to further progress and enliven Philippine Studies! Unfortunately, I think I'm not doing enough given the tons of backlog still awaiting submission...

Late November was another bonus, packaged in adventures to the land of Phil the Phoenix, meeting people from different backgrounds who make humanistic pursuits more inspiring and another week-long love affair in Sydney, the most beautiful city in the world for me!

The goal for 2008 is to to settle some things and industriously continue other obligations like I've never before done in my life!

Who are the people in your (STARBUCKS) neighborhood...

2007-01-13T16:59:00.000-08:00

In the everyday preoccupations of people in its ergonomic chairs and tables, people leave its glass doors sometimes quite satisfied but most of the time guilty over the amount they spend in exchange of those creamy calories.

The Disney-inspired, long-haired, voluptuous young princess who may be African, Latino, Asian or Caucasian allows every person to become part of the same social class. From its sophisticated beginnings, it has somehow become a venue where the bourgeoisie and the masses celebrate in the same ambiance.

Starbucks has so far lived up to its reputation as a global, multinational entity. It current motto, "Geography is a Flavour" allows you to visit regions of the world at the tip of your palate. The activities that abound in this lucrative shop manifest the workings of global capitalism. Sit in any of its stores, from the one in Luisita Mall, Pangasinan to the 6750 Makati branch, and these are the regular caffeine consumers present at all times:

THE BOOKWORMS :: Law, Medicine or Nursing students huddled together, economizingly sipping their frappuccinos, to make sure it lasts until the final chapter of their textbooks. There could be loner nerds as well choosing to digest their materials solo flight.

THE SCAMMERS :: Thirty to forty year olds ranging from groups of three to thirteen, talking of some business venture...from pyramid networking, recruitment agents for telemarketing or medical transcriptioning to insurance schemes with a long list of benefits and longer tabs for installment options.

THE WALK-INS :: These are usually Korean teenagers, or just your licensed adolescents, with automobiles on hazard, double parked, stylishly adorned with assymetrical fashion statements, ordering the month's frappe, "venti please"

THE PAIR :: A lady and a gentleman, two men or two women, what have you...taking a breather from where they came from or to wherever they're headed...
THE DRAGONS :: Those finding no discomfort in the open space, puffing their lungs out, as if the air outside can never have too much CO2.

THE KINS :: Either the parents break-in their offsprings to the coffee culture or persistent children coax their folks to buy them the type and size of drink they are unable to purchase with their meager allowances.

THE NOVELISTS :: Those who have all the time and luxury in the world to immerse in the newly awarded pulitzer novel, or Dr. Phil's latest...

THE EXPATS :: From the Europeans to the Africans, they bask in this place where coffee is the universal language.

THE HANG-OVERS :: Only in the morning's wee hours do you find flushed faces with snorting alcohol breaths, trying to keep the urge to blow. People stir clear from them...lest they soon smell bile and blended pulutan.

HAVE ANY MORE TO ADD???

WHO ARE YOU???

2006 Ends 2007 Continues

2007-01-02T15:37:00.000-08:00

Although it doesn't look it, 2006 was one of my glorified years...I have nothing but pictures to show, no blog entries, no diary entries...it's because I don't write when I'm brimming with feelings...it's when I'm stable and even when all's doing fine that I can only write, plus some alcohol, which I didn't get much from last year, but the drinking during the holiday break seemed to more than make up for it...

Now as I finished that opportunity-packed year, I realize that 2007 should be a year of organizing what's here and what came, to be ready for what's ahead in the long future.

Bahala na...

As our professor, Dr. F.Landa Jocano said, "bahala na" is a very powerful phrase of the Pinoys. It's what helped them go through all those trials in their lives, and survived...I would say it's Filipino Taoism...

2006-06-20T09:10:00.000-07:00

Is it just me or does there seem to be so much troubled hearts nowadays? Yeah, fine, the same old heartache dilemmas, but at surprisingly geometrical speed! How come, after all love stories in print and film, from East to West, from ancient to modern, from heterosexual to homosexual, have been produced, there is still remains to be no solution at all to anybody one earth?

History repeats itself right? And the reason that historians say this happens is because people chose to ignore their history and so the human race commits the same mistakes! But really...even if we knew that slurping that steamy tablespoon of creamy mushroom would burn our tounge, we still do it either out of hunger or due forgetfulness right? Or if we're told that we shouldn't be out until the wee-hours of the morning because some crazy drunkard might just hit-and-run us over, or that we may be mugged and murdered...don't we still go out anyway?

Sometimes in studying man, all is taken into account except human elements which are insensible. One example is man's adventurism, the desire to see and feel it for himself, counting on the fact that he is different from all other beings and so he might have something different cut above from the rest. Rarely, he succeeds but most of the time, the failed-results are similar but they still continually happen.

I think history repeats itself because each and every person believes in his/her individuality and puts confidence on it to move and try...hence, repeated events in history aren't merely a series of events that happen due to the ignorance of people but in fact because of their knowledge of what has taken place before and what they believe could be different for their case. I don't think man is stupid because of that...I think that's what makes us human...

Good 'ol resolutions for '06

2005-12-29T22:48:00.000-08:00

Resolutions I hope and will try to stick by for 2006:

1) Set at least a goal for myself months before then evaluate a month after my achievements and the lessons to be learned…
a. I’ve set my goal for January already
b. For February…we’ll see
2) Be more patient…basta, alam ko na ibig sabihin nun
3) Allow myself only one procrastication a month…ok, let’s make it more challenging…once a week…
4) Accept the fact that I need an hour to prepare myself before leaving the house, and by doing so, be able to arrange everything that needs to be settled, making my life and others’ less hazardous
5) Initiate get-togethers with friends I don’t usually see
6) Appreciate and buy more pinoy CDs this year (of course, I have to download several songs in limewire first before determining whether an album’s worth my hard earned money)
7) Speaking of money…save, save, save MORE this time. I better add this specifically to those goals in #1
8) Stop obsessions that become too fatal and no good to myself and others
9) Be mature enough to recognize impending #6s
10) See the good in things first before ranting about them
11) Read this from time to time to remind myself

In Making Papers

2005-04-05T04:10:00.000-07:00

I just finished checking one of the many more batches of papers which need to be done and over with for the semester. I am compelled to make a list of things which I MUST remember when I get back to "student life" and start making papers of my own. Here goes:

1) Think of a theme, topic and thesis statement which should be original and not MEDIOCRE!!! If one has a different "slant" or angle to one's argument even if its about the same topic, it will guarantee wonders in the attention and eventually, the final grade.

2) A good introduction is like giving a first good impression, since first impressions lasts, consistency is the key.

3) The introduction can be about something totally different, it can be reflection, it can be theoretical in other words, it can be as different as can be, but once it is perfectly woven to the point of the paper, it does a lot of magic!

4) Good format always helps. Times new roman, I've discovered is eye-friendly. The tahoma ones, the ones with no tails...seem too rugged, informal and too casual.

5) No need to satisfy the maximum page requirements but to meet the most minimum is not good either.

6) It helps a lot when one stresses one's point in the beginning, middle and end. It is never enough to emphasize one's point, especially if it's a bit profound...

7) Correct citation format means less trouble for the checker so keep that in mind...

8) Editing is the key...wrong spellings, missing words, missing punctuation equate to disaster!

9) Pray over it

10) Read and re-read before passing...if it sounds fine then it's good to go. Minimum number of times its should be read : three!!!

Just got back from Holy Week

2005-03-28T14:36:00.000-08:00

March 18, 2005--> Had class in the morning, good thing it was China and it was all about 'Greater China'. Tried finishing all administrative tasks I could...had lunch with Nico at Shang, then was fetched by Papa in school. Drove all the way from UA&P (actually Papa & I switched near St. Paul's) to Baguio. We stopped at Matutina's for dinner, superb sinigang na hito! Thank God for mp3s, thank God for kuya being generous enough to give edzon one, thank God for the inherited taste in music that Edzon got from his older sibblings.......for all those things that brought Papa, Edzon and I to baguio alive, THANK YOU!

Nothing much changed in Baguio, still the same old stores, same old goodies, same old bars to go to, except the new ones in Nevada Squre which were rockin loud!!! We had our first dinner at Luisa's, strolled and killed some time in Burnham then headed to Gimbals. The bands had more or less the same people who have switched band names and band members. Great night, not biting cold but not Manila hot either.....

Pretty much spent most of my time at home with Dadang and Annie's kids. It helped a lot hanging out with kids again, the toddler ones, the ones that you could have untireless small talk with and still enjoy and be amused in every way possible.

The cable at home is great! We were able to watch the Pacquiao-Morales fight before anyone in Manila, so of course I just couldn't keep this information all to myself.......had to spread the match's victor.

We rushed to Manila Wednesday afternoon to be able to join the family's Bignay outing, of course I drove for the three of us again, stopped at Matutina's once more for a hefty dinner. No regrets that we joined the Bignay outing, it was a blast! :D

Never got soo drunk in my entire life, never barfed so hard in my entire life, never felt as good in the morning after being wasted so deep the night before. Enjoyed again the company of the kids of Ate BabyYoung and Tintin.

Interesting........met Dennis' half-brother, Ten-ten, his name has the same history as mine.......weird actually........how our parents thought of naming us this way based on our birthdays would probably be the same kind of explanation that we would give to the Egyptians who thought the need to create their own hieroglyphics in almost the same period when the Chinese thought of creating their own calligraphy. Same manner of thinking and same series of coincidences...Tenten is one year older than me, our parents never met before but we share the same history in the creation of our names.....coincidence actually plays a big part in history, bigger than most historians, anthropologists, scientists and academics would want to admit! They have theories which explain these but when we get back to the basics it really all boils down on coincidence...chance...destiny perhaps?

Are all these series of unfortunate and fortunate events leading us to sometime and somewhere where our actual purpose in life has been reached???

I'm back in my desk again, probably wasting the money my work is giving me by using the energy that they pay to my blogspot.....what the heck! This is what keeps me sane.......

Can't wait!

2005-03-17T15:31:00.000-08:00

I just had a pain in the neck the other day trying to put these darn photos on the right blog but can't seem to get to. A friend volunteered to do it but of course I wouldn't wanna risk her knowing my blogspot so I'll leave it as is........

I know I am wasting my time but I just need to say that I can't wait to leave this smog-enveloped city and go North. I'm sure it wouldn't be perfect but I would love to take on the challenge...

Since I got here in the Philippines when I was 3 and visited Baguio, going there has always filled me with excitement. I used to think I would meet the man I would marry in Baguio but not anymore. I'm still looking forward to getting rich and building a lovely house there with my husband......errr.....future.....soon to be....

Better start checking papers and preparing for class........

2005-03-15T17:09:00.000-08:00

Superheroes........

2005-03-15T17:08:00.000-08:00

Ginilit mo ang leeg ng isang despota

2005-03-15T17:07:00.000-08:00

The fury and the gatekeeper, harbringer of souls to the eight circle of hell.......

2005-03-15T17:06:00.001-08:00

Anong katwiran ang iyong ihaharap???

2005-03-15T17:06:00.000-08:00

Anong nakikita mo anak ni Priam???

2005-03-15T17:05:00.000-08:00

Kumukulong Dugo!!!!

2005-03-15T16:59:00.000-08:00

Catching the prey....Orestesssss.....

2005-03-15T16:54:00.000-08:00

Ang reyna ng pait nagsilang ng ahas

2005-03-15T16:51:00.000-08:00

Flying high

Deep wounds scar longer and heal painfully

2005-03-15T08:33:00.000-08:00

I was already lying in bed, lights off when I was suddenly urged by my enthusiasm to text my baguio friends to tell them that I'll be in the city of pines starting saturday...got one reply...

Then it suddently daunted on me........Holy Week......late night outs..........Papa

Last Holy Week or it was probably two years ago, the Cuas (Celeste, Roman and their mom) called me on either on the evening of Holy Thursday or Good Friday and told me that they were in Gimbals! Edzon and I of course were game to go but Papa vehemently refused! Mama was cool about it but Papa was once again power tripping........

.......he gave no logical and sensible reason why we shouldn't go, I was contented to just take a cab but he still egged on his rule.......

.......that destroyed the entire break for me.......

.....all of a sudden, i felt like a fifteen-year old trapped in an empty cage, hungry for human contact, deprived of my social potencies and thirsting for fun......

.....frankly, that time, i wished i have just gotten myself pregnant to escape from him!

Anyway, after recalling those events, I lost sleep and am now using this ever reliable blog to pour out the bottled anger and frustrations of that bleak night in Baguio.

I have to talk to Papa sensibly about this not happening else, I'd just make plans with Nico and some friends to go out of town! Will do, have to!!!

I owe myself a decent vacation, even if some may think i'm taking it at a rather awkward timing.

Missing being a fury…..and speaking as a chorus

2005-03-14T21:43:00.000-08:00

http://i-m-hu-i-m.blogspot.com/2005/03/flying-high.html />

I’m trying to move on, trying to finish pending work, struggling to get administrative work done so I can move to the revisions of the thesis. Seeing that the deadline for submission is on April 13 didn’t help…was starting to think of procrastinating already…

It’s 4:12 p.m now, should be having butterflies in my stomach as Loree braids my hair ever so delicately for my fury part…if we have a show.

I thought the bulk of work would distract me, I trusted that I would not hear of anything that would have to do with Clytemnestra. I figured the out of town last Sunday would bring closure to the play…but no!!!

How does one move on from an appendage that has been physically, emotionally, spiritually and psychologically present for almost four months?

Second to the last show

2005-03-11T10:05:00.000-08:00

Nico was there but didn't bother to stay for awhile to congratulate me, even to mingle with the rest of the cast! I feel so frustrated now and I think if he asks me to call it quits now, I think I can amiably agree!

I'm sure he'll get more mad when he reads my text telling him how I feel.

Sometimes its tiring trying to understand him and being patient with him. I'm sure he'll get angry the same way I do when I see that he's angry....another one of those vicious cycles.

I'm sleepy.................

how do we pick the missing pieces?

2005-03-08T03:19:00.000-08:00

http://photos1.blogger.com/img/107/4134/640/100_1938.jpg

I've told some people this...I don't write when I'm emotional, I write when I am stable, when all hormones have balanced and when I reach the trough of denseness and numbness after an emotional whirlwind.

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Yesterday, I was at starbucks libis for around three to four hours, trying to check the APS 102 longtests while drowning myself in memories and thoughts.

When I glanced outside the glasswalls, I realized I was sitted in a very strategic and meaniful position because one of those advertising shops across the road was named ...NICO... at least from my vantage point. Weird, i thought! Now there goes the fate I've been waiting, there goes destiny and here comes the sign! The shop was named differently but because I was sitted where I was sitted, NICO was what I saw, how weird can that be?!?

Then of course I started a rampage of sweet nothings to Nico, bothering him at work but getting very satisfying responses nevertheless, I guess he was happy as well to feel so lighthearted from my texts.

That plus other things swirled through my mind as I allowed myself to be immersed in a montaige of events that have just happened to me, events which I wanted to happend and events which I just thought could or would happen.

Suddenly, I felt that I am actually nearing a crossroads in my life. Nico just texted me this morning saying that he decided to stop table tennis for awhile. "Very timely", i thought considering that after this week, I'll be done with Clytemnestra.

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http://photos1.blogger.com/img/107/4134/640/Flying%20to%20catch%20its%20prey.jpg

And so I wondered (in a very Sex and the City, Carrie kind of way...) how does one handle BIG transitions in life? How long should we get attached to something that has been part of us?

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The last time I felt this way was when some of my cousins from Australia and Canada came over and I brought them to Sagada in December 2003. I remeber "The Return of the King" helped me move on...

But how about this? Should I just not attend the victory party? Now, we still have four more shows to go and I'm missing every bit of it already!!!!

last night sucked!

2005-03-01T16:24:00.000-08:00

Its been awhile since I've felt so mad at myself for something I could've controlled but didn't...just because. It was the second night of Clytemnestra and as chorus and furies, we sucked!

Fatigue factor, maybe....new masks, maybe....tiring day, maybe....

teaching is such a thank-less job!

2005-01-12T22:55:00.000-08:00

Should the events be as detailed as possible? Should they really-really know all the names and the dates and the occurences? How do I extract the essentials without oversimplifiying things and allow them to assimilate, appreciate and remember what is important?

When I was a student, I listened, I took notes, I read a little for class but when I got out of the room, I forgot about everything I was told, everything I wrote, except those which really struck me.

How do I strike them the way I was struck? The things that I hate about teaching are:

1) You have to be a walking encyclopedia primarily and juggle your act with entertainment, participation, satisfaction and relevance.
2) You must not be oversimplifying because you will not be taken seriously!
3) You'll never know when they're taking you seriously.
4) When you're too kind, they abuse you and think that they never need to mind you.
5) When you're too strict, they curse and back-stab you, complain about you then you become an urban legend. Either they mock your entire being or act as if you're invisible.
6)There are just two things you feel right after class...(1) tired but happy; (2) relieved but happy that it's over because you know its another day the kids just passed by.

one of those days...you realize...thank God!

2005-01-10T15:15:00.000-08:00

Woke up in denial. Wondered why it took so much effort to convince myself that the lights are on and breakfast is ready when I took my vitamins the night before. This usually makes the mornings easier and the day less hard. Finally got up, knew at once i'll be wearing something warm for school when i tried reaching out for the nearest clothing to comfort my freezing shoulders. Eating went well, opted for hot lemonade rather than the usual cold drink, coffee was much too strong, just wanted hot water. The drink worked well for my dry throat, i think the drop in temperature froze my throat, now it feels like I have a furball stuck in my throat that scratches itself everytime I cough it out.

Thanks to the lemonade the icy water from the shower didn't make me jump up and down to invest on energy to produce heat. Used the sunsilk shampoo I bought last weekend, my hair wasn't perfect yesterday but it might work today. Darn! Just remembered what the fab five guy said, you didn't have to shampoo everyday, should remember this tomorrow I guess.

Got out of the shower, as usual, its when I look my best, if only i could look this way the whole day! Did the usual routine, moisturizer, concealer, transluscent powder, deodorant to let the make-up settle down, eye make-up then.......FIVE MORE MINUTES! Just got Nico's text, he's leaving to fetch me.

He'll be with his usual entourage, the mom next to him and his sister who only rides until the shuttle service station. Got to do everything I need, dress up, got the purple turtle neck shirt I wanted, the pants weren't bad, found the purple bracelet at once, had no trouble wearing it, ring, earrings...what shoes? Boots...wasted five seconds looking for my socks, papa changed the arrangement again, they were at the next shelf...managed to put on foot powder, drank my medicine, got to do everything, didn't forget anything...perfect!

Then i heard Nico's white pick-up truck.

Bid goodmoring to his mom, to his sister then calmed myself, i looked fine, could last the day. All's good...track 11 simple things by usher in the cd we bought from those tiangge stalls in ortigas played on the radio the moment Nico turned it on. Love it, love it, love it..."its the simple things in life we forget, you hear her talking but don't hear what she says, why do you make something so easy so complicated, searching for what's right in front of your face"...haven't seen the mtv but i'm sure i'd love it. Don't need to know nor listen to the rest of the lyrics, the chorus says it all...tried dozing off to dreamland when BOOM!!!!! Something despicable, totally unexpected and gruesomely annoying happened!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The brakes were forced to the ground, we almost hit a trike, it got in the road that was supposed to be one way, our way. Nico blew his top off, the driver answered back like a bird about to be slung shot. It got him more furious, Nico answered back. Then my day was ruined!!!!!

Tears welled in my eyes, maybe now I know why I haven't finally and outrightly decided that we must get married within several months of preparation...i'm not ready for this one yet. I'm not ready yet to have a husband and to live with a father who might be the reason for my death or my children's injuries because of road rage! It's too much for me to bare. I honestly think I could take infidelity once, learned from, suffered from, fought from then vowed never to be repeated again than this!!!!!!!! I think I could take couch potatoes or basketball addicts more, I think I can easily bare him spending late nights with friends more often than with me MORE THAN THIS!!!!! Should it really be this hard? Is this the best that I can do? Is this what I should take for all his honesty, sincerity, loyalty and love? This isn't domestic violence, nor is this martyrdom, I don't know why when this happens the only think that I feel for him is hate! I have his being for its potential to be so hateful and obnoxious! Its disgusting! If I were some uneducated, uncultured whore, I should take it, but I'm not and I can't, I won't!!! These things are uncompromisable, just non-negotiatable!

The mom got off, i transferred to the shotgun side. Had nothing more to say...darn that red light for showing up when I just wanted to get off at once! Said bye, didn't look him in the eye, tried dozing off in school to make up for not getting much and the stress I got from this morning's inferno!

This is one of those days where I am once again made aware of why I am in that stage in my life yet and haven't moved on, still need to accept this...still need to convince myself of the many things i'll be checking in when I decide to finally move to another part of this world's life-stage.

attempt to keep track of my life

2005-01-06T23:21:00.000-08:00

Today, I got my period, just when I was rushing for my China class preps, late due to traffic! Should have rode with Nico, too early, but at least less stress.

I was ready to go to class inequipped, good thing vicky had some, there is a God!

Work to do:
1) Finish evaluation for permanency
2) Submit evaluation on Wayang
3) Submit evaluation on Japan ML
4) Schedule interviews for the revisions in my thesis
5) Revise and finalize my thesis
6) Memorize lines for Second Act of Clytemnestra
7) Submit proposal for the Australian Study Trip
8) Submit proposal for Vietnam-Cambodia Trip
9) Submit list of speakers to Mancom
10) Check papers
11) Work on papers for Philo Anthro, Exams for Ethics and Paper for Ethics

Damnit! Is it really this many?????!!!!!

If I were...

2005-01-06T23:13:00.000-08:00

IF I WERE....

if I were a month I would be:
- january...starting with a blast!

If I were a day of the week I would be:
- a long, lazy sunday

If I were a time of day I would be:
- a cool 9:00 morning

If I were a planet I would be:
- Venus...the goddess of beauty, bwahahahah!!!!!

If I were a sea animal I would be:
- a sea turtle who's lived 100 years

If I were a direction I would be:
- East...sunsets are always best

If I were a piece of furniture/thing I would be:
- a comfy, bulky and warm sofa

If I were a sin I would be:
- a white lie

If I were a historical figure I would be:
- Sukhum Nahunte (the Indian guy I think who Kevin Kline was talking about in the Emperor's Club)

If I were a liquid I would be:
- water...always finds its own level

If I were a tree I would be:
- a rubber tree, useless, but outlives the rest

If I were a bird I would be:
- any kind as long as i'm not held in captive

If I were a tool I would be:
- a lever...wala lang ako maisip!

If I were a plant I would be:
- a cactus in the desert

If I were a season I would be:
- fall, not too cold, not to warm

If I were a mythical creature, I would be:
- si Maganda (partner ni Malakas)

If I were a musical instrument, I would be:
- an accordion in France

If I were an animal, I would be:
- a panda bear in China

If I were a color, I would be:
- white, because it contains all the colors

If I were an emotion, I would be:
- super happy

If I were a vegetable, I would be:
- a can of spinach for popeye!

If I were a sound, I would be:
- boisterous laughter...

If I were an element, I would be:
- Tungsten - W (my favorite symbol)

If I were a song, I would be:
- one that causes LSS and with hard to understand words

If I were a movie, I would be:
- the Sound of Music

If I were a book, I would be:
- The Little Prince, short and sweet.

If I were a place, I would be:
- a virgin beach, bwahahahah!!!!!

If I were a material, I would be:
- made of Tungsten

If I were a taste, I would be:
- those green sour tape candies they sell in Candy Corner

If I were a scent, I would be:
- Halloween...super bango!

If I were a word, I would be:
- superkalifragelisticexpialidocious

If I were a body part I would be:
- a face

If I were a facial expression I would be:
- that which one cannot understand

If I were a subject in school I would be:
- any asia-pacific studies course

If I were a cartoon character I would be:
- Liza in Simpsons

If I were a shape I would be:
- a triangle

If I were a number I would be:
- Wan! :D